Smug woman's car insurance buyer on board

How many woman's car insurance buyers out there sport car stickers on their vehicle, I wonder? Not of the "My other car's a Porsche!" hilarious style, but the "baby on board" type. Today, as I spent the majority of my lunch hour trolling around a town centre car park trying in vain to find a space so that I could take back the faulty clock, sold by a high street giant, that was not able to keep time for more than ten minutes, I spied a little city runabout with not one but two witty suction signs in the rear window, helpfully letting me know which of the owners precious little darlings occupied which seat in the back of the car.

On the left, in blue, was a utilitarian style sign stating, "Cheeky monkey on board". It was artfully emblazoned with an aptly comic little ape, pulling a face. On the right side was a delicate pink ballerina doll incorporating the slogan "Little princess on board". What possessed the parents, I pondered?

Actually, it's that mad time in the run up to Christmas when everywhere you go, in every conceivable retail premises, you will see "ideal gift ideas" for that special someone; products you would normally only consider functional at best are given the sparkle treatment and offered up as tempting treats. Think soap wrapped in ribbon, socks with seasonal greetings and car washing gift sets. In fact any "gift set" is invariably more exciting in its cosmetically enhanced cardboard wrapping than when you get it out and realise that in the sum of its parts it's actually two packets of tea bags and the smallest pot of jam you are ever likely to see.

Stuck in the seasonal mayhem, I waited patiently for a little white haired old man to jiggle his Panda into a parking space and I studied the riotously funny baby-on-boardesque signage thinking to myself that they looked suspiciously like a parent's last minute Christmas stop at the pound shop in an attempt to find extra prezzies for the little darlings. They would have thought to themselves, "Cheeky Charlie will just adore his very own rear window sign and adorable Amelia will just love to think she is a pretty little princess."

And when the kids took one look at those dubious gifts and said, "But what does it do mummy?" did the hapless parent explain properly? No, probably not.

"Baby on board" stickers were originally intended as road safety devices. According to the urban legend of car accessory marketing, the signs came into existence after the death of a baby following a Canadian car crash. Apparently, the infant's body was found in a car that had been taken from the scene. The baby had no injuries associated with the crash, but had died as a result of hypothermia. The signs were therefore a way to let emergency rescuers know that a baby might be in the vehicle.

Although seemingly plausible, there is apparently nothing to substantiate this story, and it is now widely accepted that the mass production and marketing of the signs was instigated by an American producer of child safety items, and that they were solely intended as a way to stave off the idiocy of tailgating.

Sadly it did not work and the signs soon became derided as fatuous boasting about reproductive prowess, swiftly followed by amusing designs sporting slogans like "Mother-in-law in boot!" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh how my sides ached at the comic genius of such witticisms.

I have to say, in the early nineties and being a nervous driver at the best of times I did sport a "baby on board" sticker of very functional design. I was a proud first time mother and thought it leant a certain gravitas to my driving habits, but it seemed only to incite tailgaters and so I swiftly removed it.

Right now, I can think of several quips that might be appropriate for my car today: "My woman's car insurance is cheaper than yours, Mr BMW driver"; or how about, "Cheap car insurance for women – because the lady loves shoes"? Now there's a Christmas gift worth having; I'll get one for Amelia now, she'll soon grow into it.